The Christmas Issue, December 1989 or so. Full issue linked at the bottom of the post.
Is that a Frank Quitely cover? Can’t say for sure, I don’t see any signature but it sure does look like it. Back cover by Somme depicts the Saracen Head (Sarry Heid), one of Glasgow’s oldest pubs and supposedly host to Scotland’s Poet, Robert Burns at one point in it’s past. Only open at weekends according to Trip Advisor, so don’t make any plans on my account.
OK, maybe less to explain this time, Spandex Sue opens with regret at eating a Saveloy. Didn’t mention yesterday that the original filling for the Cervelat was pig brain, and goodness knows what was in the Saveloy of the late 80s. CJD wasn’t a thing yet, but the food chain might have been already compromised. Our Porsche wankers refer to Sue as a “Big Ride”, which is both derogatory and complimentary I guess. The term probably originated from the Mountain Railway at the Empire Exhibition in 1938 Glasgow and is testament to Glaswegians making anything sound like a euphemism for sex. The casually sexist further references to Sue as a Slag and Hoor were of the time, but may still exist in some older mindsets.
Ed in the editorial splash sketch has some nibbled Saveloys, a bottle of Electric Soup and a bottle of Vin de Chateau du Lait, which translated back to English would be Castlemilk wine. Castlemilk is a region of Glasgow with significant social issues in the late 20th Century, similar to the previously mentioned Blackhill and you can maybe get to understand where some of the humour and passion is coming from in this comic.
A Johnny Seven gun was a prized toy item, can be seen at the link. The kind of thing that would probably not last long in a Glasgow Housing estate. Maggie’s man fae Cairo probably rhyming for a Giro, the standard unemployment benefit payment of the era. Haddows was a chain of off-licenses that’s been gone since about 2010 as the booze and crisps model was put out of business by bigger Supermarket chains. “Mehr patter than a centipede with flips flops” is a rather poetic turn of phrase, onomatically referring to the sound of a hundred sandelled feet and also to the local dialect.
Just to point out that “keech” would refer to a jobby if it wasn’t clear in the previous issue. On to the second page here, the presents opened by (versions of) Horace, The Twins & The Bairn are intended for the older siblings (analogues of Joe & Hen from the Broons, depicted here as a typically hard man and gay man). Featherlight is/was a Durex product line. The Rough Cut Marmalade & Rubber Gloves better left to the imagination but the Bairn is holding a mains powered vibrator. Duck mentions a Santa Clause 28 outfit for the Bennetts party, Bennetts was Glasgow’s first Gay Club and an early Colin Barr venture. Clause 28 was better known as Section 28 and forbade the acknowledgement and teaching of Homosexuality especially, another hit from Thatcher’s Conservatives. An appalling act and sadly one that’s again relevant today with Trump et al.
The Bastards of Madness are credited to the Araldite Twins, Araldite is a quick setting epoxy based glue. It’s relevance here is that it was abused by glue sniffers, it would be squeezed into a bag (usually a crisp packet) and huffed/buzzed for a high. This was extremely dangerous and my Primary School was a hangout in the evening for such sniffers, there were at least two deaths on the grounds by pupils in search of a high that killed them.
Some of the phrases in the strip are explained by the dikshnirry below, but just to expand a bit…
“Ah kanni haunl that awl kunt” : I can’t handle that old cunt. A Thatcher caricature can be seen on the TV.
“Wi kid bom Pit. Street wi that nioo rokit lonshur wi got doon thu barras” : We can bomb Pitt Street with that new Rocket Launcher we got down the Barras. Pitt Street was the location of Strathclyde Police headquarters at this time, it moved a few years later to a location just beside where the Empire Exhibition was held. This area used to be where the roaming shows (arcade machines, tents) would be held at Christmas and Fireworks Night. Also very close to Ibrox Stadium, if there was ever a negative layline, it’s here. The Barras is home to the Barrowland Ballroom, possibly the greatest musical venue. Below is the Barras Market, the sort of place you could get anything in the late 80s. “You want a human eyeball, just wait here. No questions.” This would be a positive leyline conjunction of Glasgow. And this one runs to just under Central Station where there was the Sub Club, an amusement arcade called Treasure island and a porn cinema all stacked together, a testament to hedonism if there was ever one.
“Yhe naw, funnili enuf if yi hook up a ly-ditektur tae thu watter, yi kin heer thu molukioolz skreemin like fuk” : You know, funnily enough if you hook up a lie detector to the water, you can hear the molecules screaming like fuck.
An advert on the other page is for Tin Pan Alley, a nightclub of the time. A forward thinking place that embraced the newer sounds coming out of Europe, Segun was a Radio Clyde DJ that played House and Hi-Energy music on his late night shows. He is mentioned in passing as an influence to Slam, but he influenced all of us that got behind the decks at that time.
More Billy Pope. Not going to dwell on this, it’s a one panel joke that’s been stretched too far.
The joke page. Taggart referring to the lead character of the titular STV show. I’m not sure I even understand the last one. You can guess what the join the dots depicts, or print it out and do it at home.
The Greens in this page depicts the bairn putting a big lump of hash into the New Year’s Punch.
Helmetman. The Strathduie Bar just closed last month, the cloudy comment probably meaning that it was full of smoke as were many pubs of this time. The indoor smoking ban took effect in 2005 in Glasgow, and suddenly many pubs revealed themselves to smell terrible indoors as the smoke had suppressed many more evil stenches. I don’t remember Club Metro.
Those two cartoons are definitely Frank Quitely. The STV skit maligns Shereen Nanjiani (who I’ve just learned is related to Kumail Nanjiani), STV’s longest running news correspondent. The Jimmy Somerville dig here is a bit mean, he has an astonishing voice and should be celebrated instead of this.
More Araldite Twins. More terrible phonetic transcriptions. I’m only going to post the translated bits.
Panel 1. “Snow? I fucking hate snow. Fall on your arse and get a back full of fucking slush. Och. Get it right up you.”
Panel 2. “Your porridge is pure shite by the way.” “Water off a ducks back, you big wanker. Eat arsenic and fucking die, wee man.”
Panel 3. “Ninety pounds? Ninety fucking pounds pal? How am I supposed to fucking live like this?” “It’s all you get. No turkey for you, you criminal. Ha ha ha ha. Fuck you.”
Panel 4. “And the funny thing was, it wasn’t even Pea and Ham.”
Panel 5. “You’ve got some size of udders Hen. Bite my banger doll.” “Oh Tam, darling, you’re that romantic.”
Panel 6. “Well, I’m the kind of guy that likes to get his hole. I ride them and I shag them, and I give them my sausage roll.”
Panel 7. “What’s the matter with these trousers? Poofs all make these trousers. These kebabs are pish. I’ve eaten better Plutonium.”
Panel 8. “Where the fuck is my house? Some cunt’s knocked my house. Where do I live now? Oh, the council are all wanks.”
Panel 9. “Hold on Pa, fucks sake.” “I want my hole.” “Merry Christmas you fucking animal.” “In the name of fuck.”
Panel 10. “I hope you choke on your boak, you bammy cunt.” “Eat my sole, you bitch.”
Udders : Breasts
Banger : Penis
Hole : Getting one’s hole was to engage in sexual intercourse.
Knocked : Stolen
Boak : Vomit.
Bam : Idiot / Fool / Unruly Person.
via https://mltshp.com/p/1PG19
This time it is credited to Frank Quitely, and not last month’s Sadie. The countdown posters here were for a Slam at Glasgow Green event, iirc. A predecessor of the Slam tent at T in the Park.
Fopp was a tremendous record shop in Glasgow, the Renfield Street branch was my favourite as I would drop in every week on a walk down through the city. It was absorbed by HMV years ago, and I think it’s fully gone. The Byres Road branch is now a Six by Nico. Derek’s Diner a fairly innocuous strip, nothing to add here.
Some more Quitely sketches. An ad for Club Metro here, not sure it’s the same Club Metro mentioned earlier as Coatbridge is pretty far away from Glasgow.
Debut of Rob McCallum as I don’t think he had anything in the first issue. Wur Malky is a riff on Oor Wullie, bucket sitting child star comic of the Sunday Post alongside the Broons. Rob is probably better known as a storyboard artist for It & Star Trek Discovery among other things.
Two more Quitely strips, Fairy Tales credited to him instead of Ghandie from last issue. The middle strip artist I don’t recognise but I think it’s a take on the Daily Mirror’s Jane, the lead character who seemingly lost her clothes frequently. There were other similar strips in the Sun and similar tawdry Redtops but their names fail me for now.
The MacBam’s Christmas Carol, this is set in the (of the time) recently built St. Enoch centre.
Pudden’s problem page, bit of unnecessary homophobia unfortunately. Fag used to be a common term for a cigarette and one I find myself stopping myself from saying due to it’s American definition and I’m surprised to see it used in that style here. Another shape-shifting traffic warden strip, similar to the last issue.
Two more mystery strips, might be Quitely but signed off as Gerbil. The G is quite distinct though.
No idea where Garfields was, maybe Paisley?
And, now the end. Wee bit of racism from Zing again. And a Pudden MacBam solo strip to top it all off.
Happy New Year!