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There’s a man, right? A spaceman. He’s caught diddling Ming the Merciless’ daughter or something like that. So whichever aliens we’re tallking about decide he is for the chop. As they take him to the space guillotine, he exclaims “You can’t kill me! I’m a reknowned international hero and space pilot! Check out my chin!”

The aliens, of which there are many, collectively say “Who are you?” “That’s a rather poor chin, you don’t look like an international hero.”

“Oh, come on. It’s obvious who I am. Lantern jaw, meticulously shaped eyebrows? I’m Dan Dare.”

“Yeah, right. Prove it.”

“Take me to Ireland, Earth, Sol. Everyone knows me there.”

The aliens take our chancing pilot of the future to Ireland. he looks around, and finds a two storey house. Walks up to the door and knocks on it. In a heavy Irish brogue, the woman of the house shouts “Is that you down there?”

The aliens fly off home, satisfied.

Johnny Foreigner may not be familiar with Dan Dare and the Mekon, which is kind of a shame as he was a stalwart of UK comics for years and years under the beautiful art direction of Frank Hampson. That’s not really important anyway, all you need to know about the Mekon is that he came from Venus, and had a brain so large that his comparitively shrivelled body had to be carried about on a chair. Kind of like Jimmy Saville, but without the badges. In recent years the Dan Dare brand hasn’t seen much success, but Virgin comics are resurrecting it later this year with Garth Ennis scripting. There was a great Grant Morrison/Rian Hughes version about 20 years ago, but otherwise the character has barely been developed. A great shame as it is a property that really needs to be updated for the 21st century. Warren Ellis had a go a few years ago with Ministry of Space, but, errr.. I seem to be posting something about comics when I was intending to say something about music. I should probably keep that for another time and place if I can muster the energy to talk about comics.

Jon Carter aka Monkey Mafia aka Junior Cartier aka the Ex Mr. Sara Cox. I read a description of the sound that he produced as Amyl House, but I think that’s kind of unfair as it doesn’t make you feel unbeatable for 5 minutes then deeply depressed for the next half hour.

Junior Cartier – Women Beat Their Men : I’m not sure when exactly this is from, but I doubt it precedes my interpretation of this phrase. On hearing Voodoo Ray for the first time, I could have sworn this was what the ooooohhhh-aaaahhh-aaa-haa-ooh-aaah was trying to say. Woooo-ooh-men beattt theiir mennnn.

Monkey Mafia – Crash The Decks, Slaughter The Vinyl

Monkey Mafia – Blow The Whole Joint Up(David Holmes Slash The Beats remix)

Mekon featuring Roxanne Shante – What’s Going On?(Junior Cartier remix) : If you can find it, check Mekon’s Roger Moore eyebrow twitch after the “They all want to shag me” line in the video for this track.

Olive – Miracle (Monkey Mafia remix)

Ruby – Tiny Meat(Monkey Mafia Meat For The Feet Dub)

Death In Vegas – Opium Shuffle(Monkey Mafia remix)

CJ Bolland – Sugar Is Sweeter(Monkey Mafia remix)

Saint Etienne – Filthy(Monkey Mafia remix)

And finally, the jewel in the crown as far as I’m concerned. An absolutely fantastic mix of West Street Mob’s Breakdance by Jon in his Junior Cartier alias.

West Street Mob – Breakdance Electric Boogie(Junior Cartier remix)

Bonus Monkey Beats:

Godiego – Monkey Magic : BBC 2, Friday Night, 6 o’clock.

E-Pak-Sa – Monkey Magic

Buy Monkey Mafia items from ebay. And if you do happen to buy the Bobby Konders remix of Work Mi Body, I’d love to hear it.

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